a conversation i overheard (some details may be wrong)

Benjamin Kunkel, Jhumpa Lahiri, and Marisha Pessl are sitting at Think Coffee in Manhattan.

Jhumpa Lahiri says, "Why am I here sitting with you people, I sold a script for like a million dollars."

Marisha Pessl says, "Big fucking deal, my advance for Special Topics in Calamity Physics was way more than most people get for their first novel. Including you, n+1 boy."

Marisha Pessl spits on the floor.

Benjamin Kunkel says, "You certainly have the right to criticize us, parody us, satirize us -- but you should respond in an adult way. If you are upset about our stance on McSweeney's, then you should, as an adult would, as Marco suggested would be entirely proper, use logical counterarguments. Look I have this llama here."

He shows them a llama, who licks up Marisha Pessl's spit off the floor.

Marisha Pessl says, "Where did you get a fucking llama from?"

Benjamin Kunkel says, "Marco Roth said Tao Lin sent it to me, but I think he was just being nice about me defending him on Tao's blog. What kind of flowers should I send him?"

The llama pisses on the floor.

Jhumpa Lahiri picks at her nails and says, "Yellow roses, red roses will make him think he should fuck you."

Benjamin Kunkel says, "And if I do?"

Marisha Pessl farts, a loud gassy fart.

The llama starts chewing on a paper coffee cup on the floor.

Benjamin Kunkel says, "I love Marco Roth so much, I like the softer guys like him, he reminds me of my social studies teacher from high school."

Marisha Pessl takes a flask and drinks straight from it, and says, "So send him red roses and poppers."

Jhumpa Lahiri takes a Q-tip from her purse and digs around in her ear, then folds it up in a handkerchief and puts it back inside her purse, and says, "Don't those cause heart attacks sometimes?"

Marisha Pessl says, "Yeah, bitch, I read P.S. Your Cat Is Dead too."

The llama shits Milk-Dud sized shits on the floor.

Benjamin Kunkel says, "What are poppers?"

The llama says, "Amyl nitrite is an alkyl nitrite which acts as a vasodilator, expanding blood vessels and thus lowering blood pressure. It is used medically to treat heart diseases such as angina, and to treat cyanide poisoning. Amyl nitrite is often confused with amyl nitrate, a substance with a different chemical composition and different properties.

"Amyl nitrite is also used as a recreational inhalant drug, known by its street name "poppers", for the brief euphoric "rush" that the drug produces. Amyl nitrite is used in the gay culture to enhance and facilitate sexual activities. In Australia it is known in the gay scene simply as "Amyl". Amyl nitrite has also been part of the club culture from the 1970s disco club scene to the 1980s and 1990s rave club scene.

"The term "amyl nitrite" encompasses a plurality of isomers. For example, a common form of amyl nitrite with the formula (CH₃)₂CHCH₂CH₂ONO may be more specifically referred to as isoamyl nitrite. A linear form of "amyl nitrite" may have the structural formula CH₃(CH₂)₄ONO.

"Alkyl nitrites are prepared by the reaction of alcohols with nitrous acid. The reaction is analogous to esterification. The resulting isoamyl nitrite decomposes in the presence of base to give nitrite salts and the isoamyl alcohol:

"RCH₂ONO + NaOH → RCH₂OH + NaNO₂

"Amyl nitrite, like other nitrite esters, reacts with carbanions--"

The llama pauses and says, "Source: Wikipedia."

The llama stops talking.

Benjamin Kunkel says, "I'm definitely sending Marco Roth amyl nitrate."

The llama, Jhumpa Lahiri, and Marisha Pessl all scream, "AMYL NITRITE, YOU FUCK!"

Benjamin Kunkel says, "Marco is a person."